Contestant number one comes to us from Okcupid. He is a filmmaker and yoga teacher. He describes himself as playful and loves to cook. Right off the bat I was intrigued by his profile. Is there any better pairing than a filmmaker and an actor? We chatted about Fassbinder, Yoga, Playwrights, Actors, and we flirted. We decided to meet for coffee. Unfortunately, his pictures were not quite accurate. He wasn’t unattractive. He was just not for me and well, not like his pictures. And he was shorter. One might refer to him as a pocket gay. We had great conversation, but no chemistry. Argh! We said our goodbyes and said the obligatory, “Let’s keep in touch.”
Contestant number two hails from Philadelphia. I met him on another “Gentleman’s Socializing Network, ” Manhunt. Before you judge, you should know that I have met many of my closet friends on that site, not to mention my last long term relationship. You just have to disregard their tag line, “Get on. Get Off.” I found myself surfing through the sea of shirtless torsos, again. Even this became quite boring. I decided to get off, log off, when I got a message. I was shocked to see that he actually had a face. A cute face with a smirk (I love a good smirk). As I lowered my gaze, I saw that he was wearing a Phillies t-shirt. We will never know if it was because he was wearing a shirt from my home town or that his biceps are bigger than my head that I decided to respond. We both moved to New York from Philly and we both live in Astoria, what a coincidence. He asked me if I wanted to meet for a drink at a dive bar. I said yes, but because I was unsure of his intentions, I told him my status. He thanked me for telling him and said “So, did you still want to me?” I don’t think I ever gotten ready faster in my life.
As soon as I walked in, I found him sitting at the end of the bar. Unlike some, his pictures accurately captured him. I found out that he just broke up with someone. Ok, maybe not serious dating material, he is still too damaged for that, but casual dating could be fun. While he may be “all bumpy in the right places” (to clarify: bumpy = muscular. Thank you for that Anya), and he is smart in his own financial businessman kind of way, we were doomed from the start. The only TV he watches is the history channel. He has no frame of reference for any of my witty, pop culture repartee. We will never work. He drove me home. Yes, he has a car in NY. We kissed in his car for a quick second and I sent him on his way home. Ok, so maybe he didn’t get my obscure Places in the Heart references when I was politely trying to tell him to watch his step by quoting Possom “Step Down, Step Down!” in my best, worst southern accent. And so he maybe he hasn’t seen Showgirls or The West Wing (two things I hold in high regard). These are no reasons not to give him a second chance. So, I got two tickets to The Importance of Being Earnest, asked him if he wanted to accompany me. Every moment of the show was amazing, every moment of the date was awkward. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure it was a real date. Argh!
Style over substance. Can’t we have both?
Come on contestant number three, can you please talk intelligently about Fassbinder (and Showgirls) and can you also be just little bit bumpy!