Let’s get one thing straight, dating is hard. Hard for everyone. Uncomfortable, agonizing, unpleasant, awkward, and well…just plain hard.
Now imagine going on a first date and it is the most amazing date that you have had in quite some time. He is sweet, charming, smart, funny, attractive, and most importantly he has biceps the size of cantaloupes. At the end of the date he grabs your chin and pulls you close for a gentle kiss. On the way home you get a text from him “Had a great time, lets hang out this weekend!” Cut to the second date. Can it be that he is even more attractive and charming than you remember. The conversation turns flirty. The dirty kind of flirty that almost crosses the line but remains playful. At the end of the date he puts his hand around the small of your back and pulls you in close. His pelvis presses gingerly up against yours as he kisses you. He kisses you for the next ten minutes. The kind of kissing that shakes you to the core, you might even stammer a little. You say your goodbyes and you leave with your red face (a product from his 12 o’clock shadow). The next day you are giddy like a school girl. Skipping around your apartment and singing show tunes. And right in the middle of belting out your best rendition of “A Wonderful Guy” from South Pacific, you abruptly stop. It feels as if someone just kicked you in the gut…fuck! You haven’t told him you are positive yet. You know that it will probably be the end of the…well, those red faces.. ….FUCK!
Welcome to my world…
I am a 34 year old HIV positive single gay man living in New York City. Any one of those would be daunting on their own, but adding them all together makes for quite an interesting dating life. I have decided to journal my dating life because we as a community do not really talk about HIV any more. If we do we talk about how to prevent it or how to live a “normal” life with it. Never do we talk about how it affects us socially. So I send my trials and tribulations out through the web not only to help spark a dialog that I think we are desperately missing but to help with the stigmas about being HIV positive that are put on us from other people and more importantly the stigmas that we put on ourselves. Also it gives me an outlet to rant about my dating woes.